His grin widens, and he reaches over and runs his thumb down my cheek and across my lower lip… I let out the breath that I’ve been holding. Why is he so damned attractive?
I have never felt this way about anyone.
[ PAUSE FOR REFLECTION.
OK, let’s go on… ]
My hormones are racing.
My skin tingles where his thumb traced over my face and lower lip. I’m squirming with a needy, achy…discomfort.
I don’t understand this reaction.
This is desire. This is what it feels like.
I lie back on the soft feather-filled pillows.
If you were mine.
Oh my—what would I do to be his?”
[ PAUSE AGAIN.
Notice anything now?]
I think you’re getting what all this is about and why 50 Shades of Grey has sold 100 million copies worldwide.
It’s not because it’s a great book!
(I really don’t think it’s a great book, by the way, though the reasons why would warrant another discussion…)
It’s because we all love a story, especially if it gives us permission to think and dream about sex.
Vanilla sex or whatever flavour sex particularly appeals.
Just this can be a major breakthrough.
There’s so much guilt and shame associated with sexuality and a disproportionally large number of people in our Western world is unhappy, when it comes to relating and intimacy.
It’s also because erotic literature is one way of experiencing pleasurable sexual arousal.
Through the mind.
Let’s do a little exercise, shall we?
First, a mental pause.
. . .
Take a breath.
. . .
. . .
. . .
Here we go:
IMAGINE THE BEST SEX EVER!
Take time to form a clear picture of the scene. It may be something you’ve actually experienced, a fantasy, something you’ve been dreaming about, or something quite new that springs to mind at the thought of the best sex ever…
Have you a clear image?
Make it bigger, brighter.
What other sensations are you noticing?
Smell? Touch? Taste? What sounds do you hear?
Intensify the sensations.
Make everything more vivid.
How are you feeling?
. . .
Right… at the risk of interrupting the most fun part of your day so far, I’d like to point out that by making a mental representation of this wonderful sexual experience, you have changed your state.
You’re now thinking, feeling and experiencing yourself differently in your body and it probably shows in your expression and general countenance.
Maybe you thought the exercise was funny, and you’re smiling or laughing.
Perhaps the voice in your mind told you that you couldn’t (or shouldn’t) think about such a thing as the best sex ever, and you frowned and turned a little greyer.
Or maybe you felt yourself more sexual and perhaps now register the sexual attractiveness factor rather more when you look at the people around you.
(Maybe those previously unnoticed people are noticing you too, with that sexy smile / glint in your eye…)
Your different state will mean you think certain thoughts, look and feel a particular way, make certain choices and take action.
(Have you already taken action to take the mental stimulation to a whole other level?!)
The point is, your internal representation affects your state and behaviour.
You do this ALL THE TIME.
The process of internal representation affecting behaviour is a constant and your core values and beliefs (conscious AND unconscious) also go into the mix.
This means that you’re affecting your state and behaviour when you, consciously or unconsciously, think that:
- you’re particularly attractive / unattractive
- you’re great / no good at dating
- you generally have fantastic / terrible sex
- you always / never can tell what your lover needs
- it’s easy / hard for you to orgasm
- it’s possible / impossible to have any control when it comes to sex
- relationships are fraught with problems / full of rewards
- your partner always / never ‘gets’ you
- you’ll definitely / never be with your soul mate
Whether or not you have some evidence (i.e. previous experience) to back up such beliefs, the fact remains that the beliefs you hold as your personal truth impact on:
- your thinking and feeling
- your physiology
- your “baseline” state
- the way you communicate
- what you notice around you
- how you interpret events and other people’s behaviours
- your decisions and actions.
(Beliefs are thoughts that have been imprinted strongly enough in your mind through emotional association and/or repetition.)
What you believe or think consistently is like a permanent story-teller in your mind, causing you to think, feel and behave accordingly — just like an erotic story can make you experience arousal.
Some beliefs are chosen consciously and some are unconscious, usually received in early childhood.
Even conflicting beliefs can hold true for you and the internal conflict will give rise to even more complications.
A negative mindset contributes to negative experiences.
It’s very easy for negative thoughts and beliefs to have a negative impact on you, as we have seen, and produce negative expectations that soon become self-fulfilling prophecies. These then strengthen the beliefs and on the cycle goes.
Are you likely to have great sex, if you think you’re unattractive, your partner doesn’t fancy you, you just don’t know how to conduct yourself and it always ends up badly anyway?
Good news is, if you genuinely put your mind to it and cultivate a more positive mindset, you reap benefits all round.
Positive thoughts and beliefs have a positive impact on your thinking, feeling, physiology, your behaviour and communication. When your positive expectations are fulfilled, you happily strengthen your feel-good mindset some more — and on the positive cycle goes.
Much better this way round, wouldn’t you say?
Getting your mind to work for you and not against you is a major part of what we do in our work together.
Especially as it’s hard to discern your own unconscious thinking, and neither will power nor wishful thinking will get you lasting transformation.
Sessions help you to:
- gain new information, insights and perspectives that enable you to think bigger and better and respond differently to events and people
- uncover and release internal conflicts, limitations and negative programmes
- get your unconscious mind to work in harmony with your conscious mind
- manage crises and maintain a positive state, even when the going gets tough
- gain clarity on what serves you the best and utilise the power of your mind constructively to achieve your goals
- get tangible results and keep getting better and better at sex and relating
- gain valuable life skills that will continue to serve you for years to come, improve every area of your life (including sexuality and relationships) and fulfill more of your creative potential.
How do I do this?
Through my signature Ultimate Connection Coaching®.
Notably, this draws from meditation practices, NLP (Neuro-linguistic Programming) and Hypnosis.